For Emma, Forever Ago
by LastSomethingThatMeantAnything
Summary: This story is basically about finding a family and a home, because ik your born into one usually, but then theres the family you weren't born into. I have one like that...part of the thing that inspired this. Oh and my family will be making occasional appearances in this story but not with their real name 3 You'll just have to guess.


_~I dedicate this book to Aiden…for everything you've done, and for all the cute things you've done that I don't know about. Thank you for giving me somthing to believe in. _

_When did the world get so lucky as to have someone like you in it? ~_

_~And to Annie, for being the amazing person that started this all for me, as well as all my family members that have helped me grow…for giving me a place to call home.~_

_~For Landon, for being everything I've needed always, and being one of the most amazing people I've ever met. _

_I don't know what I would do without you ~_

Sometimes…I don't know if I'm awake or dreaming. I don't know if what I see is truly my reality, and it's only because at that time I am feeling too much at once. Something either too good to be true, or too awful too horrible that I go numb. That I just don't know. I don't know because I haven't dreamt enough to truly know a dream when I see it. My dreams are always just black, or grey, one solid color for hours, and when I wake up all I feel is emptiness. All I feel is hollow lonesome…hoping something, someone, would join me in one of my dreams…but no. This is one of those times…where I go numb, where I question if this is a dream, or reality. Am I truly awake right now?

"Get out."

"What?" I'm startled.

"I said get out, Emma." His jaw is clenched, and he won't even look at me.

"D-dad…?" My voice breaks, and I feel my eyes tear up.

He lowers his head, resting it on the steering wheel. His hands wrapped around the wheel, holding on for dear life.

"Dad I won't leave you, I can't, not like this. You need me, dad, I won't let you go through this alone."

He shudders. "You…you sound just like her, Emma, and look just like her. Your eyes, your eyes the same, still just as beautiful as hers, but they- they shine differently."

He still won't meet my eyes still, but he almost kind of smiles to himself. He's lost in thought for a moment, but then his jaw clenches again.

"Get-out-of-this-CAR!" He screams now, his head snapping up and glaring at me in the rear view mirror. If he holds on to the steering wheel any tighter I'm afraid it might break in two…

A tear runs down my cheek. I can't leave him.

"Dad…"

"Trust me, Emma, its better this way. I- I can't fail you, not like your mother did to me. I can't let you feel the same way I did…I rather have you be gone, gone out of my life than have to suffer losing you both to something I can't control…I can't let that happen Emma, and you know it." He smiles as he says this, smiles as he rips me apart word by word. "So, Emma, darling, get out of the car."

Tears are streaming down my face now; I put my numb hands to the door, push it open and step outside. He doesn't even look at me, but rolls down the window.

"One more thing…" He whispers almost. He's gone pale, very pale, I think he's sick.

He drops two bags, no, actually throws them, into the grass. "Good bye, Emmy…have a beautiful life."

Just as a think he's about to drive away he adds: "Without me."

The tires screech for a second, then he speeds off, kicking up sand. The sand rises up like smoke, so I can't see the car now, so that I won't have to watch him speed away. Out of my life, out of my future...out of everything I've ever known, because all I've ever known was that family, and now the last part of it is gone.

I fall to my knees, the soft grass comforting my fall, rest my head in my hands, and cry for the first time since mom's death. I tighten my fists, clutching grass in between my fingers, and sob loudly. This…this pain, this life, it isn't worth fighting for. With that thought…I feel myself drift away, and allow whatever is out here to come and take me away, what remains of my broken heart with it. Because I guess life isn't that much of a miracle after all. The way they always tell you life is precious, life is a miracle, life is a gift. It's not; life is a long test that leaves your mind going numb, and your heart cracking at every corner. Life is a survival test, and if you can't survive it will crush you, all your dreams and memory with it, and leave you to die. With that last thought, I close my eyes, and hope to be dead when I wake up.

I dream of nothing…but this time the solid color is orange, my one scene dream, its orange. I've never known to see any other colors than grey or black. When I wake up its dusk and bright little stars are twinkling. The sun's dying rays make the grass appear orange, on fire almost. Like how at night the moon makes the ocean shine white, at its center, its heart glimmering and glittering a lovely white. This field is like it's my own little sea, and here I am sitting at the center, at the heart. The wind runs through the field, making all the grass turn and move in the same direction, just like the rising tide.

I hadn't really looked around before I fallen asleep. I manage to push myself up onto my knees, and look around. In this open field I can see everything, there are woods surrounding it, making the field almost seem to be in the shape of a circle, and just in front of me is a dusty path, where dad had been driving…where he drove away. I'm not sure where it leads to, or if it goes anywhere. I clench my fists for a moment, tense every muscle in my body, then slowly let it all go…If he really loved me, if he really wanted me to be his daughter he would have found a way to learn to love me, and let go of his past, because all I ever wanted to do was help him. All I've ever wanted to do is be someone he can rely on…but no. It's all over now.

I open my eyes again, and then I see it. A house. It's right between the trees only the roof and what looks to be a large window can be seen, and on the roof…a cat. Many actually, about ten of them, all walking around on the roof, chasing birds. When I squint more I realize they aren't all cats, one is a little kitten. It's so small, only maybe a little bit bigger than the birds up there. One large bird in particular gets chased by one of the kittens. It walks towards the edge of the roof at first seeing the kitten. The kitten lowers itself down more, crouching, getting ready to pounce. And then, just as the kitten releasing itself through the air, the bird flies off the side of the roof, the daring kitten chasing after it. The kitten is still airborne, one paw almost touching the roof again, but it slips, and I watch it free fall from the roof. I don't even think, I sprint towards the house and the free falling kitten. The roof must be twenty five feet or more off the ground if I can see it from here over the trees.

As I reach the house I notice…it's a lot bigger than I thought, I mean a lot wider than it looked from the field. It's about thirty five feet tall, and thirty five feet wide…A bunch of windows up front and it doesn't have a garage, or a front door, or a drive way or anything like that; just a bunch of really wide windows, fully open, with golden curtains dancing in the breeze. It almost seems inviting, very strange, but inviting. I don't see why it doesn't have a drive way, the house is right in front of the dusty path; it could easily be connected to it. There are also no cars in the grass…

I hear a faint mew and remember the kitten. There's another roof that wraps around the middle of the house, between two sets of windows like a belt. On the side of the house there's a long sliding glass door, open wide, as if to say: all the animals in the forest COME INSIDE! I can't find the kitten anywhere, not on the ground, and I begin to check the roof, running around the perimeter of the house looking up at the roof. No kitten, just more windows, wide open. It is quite a strange house, and as I peer into the rooms I can't see any furniture just curtains, and there's no other doors except the sliding glass doors on the side of the house.

I fall to my knees, for the second time today, wheezing horribly. Where could that kitten have gone…it's probably dead too, that's a thirty five foot fall it could not have survived that, it was barely bigger than the little birds on the roof. The wind blows through my hair, I feel it tickle the back of my neck, and I close my eyes, and feel like crying again.

"You really shouldn't run like that, one of the dogs will run at you thinking you want to play."

I snap my head up, and see a face peering down at me from the window I saw from the trees. It sits up there, like the top to a pyramid, with no other windows next to it, just so many windows in rows underneath it.

I squint to make out the person's face more, but their long hair is blocking out most of their face. From the sound of their voice though, I think it's a girl.

"Are you alright?" She asks a note of concern in her voice.

I try to catch my breath, trying to lower my heart rate. "The….the kitten?" I manage, sounding raspy and hoarse.

She turns around and holds out something in front of her. The kitten, he's all wrapped up in what looks like a blanket now.

"I caught him as I saw him falling…He's alright now, just a little scratch on his paw though."

The kitten squirms, and she pulls him back inside. "I'm so sorry about this, but he does do this about twice every week. He just doesn't quite understand the concept of gravity, and that birds can fly…" She sighs, shaking her head.

She opens her mouth again, but doesn't say anything. She closes it instead, and seems to be contemplating something. Then she disappears. I don't even bother standing up and trying to peer into the window, I just fall over, feeling like I'm going to pass out. My throat and tongue feel so dry, my whole body hollow, as if I'm lacking water. Water...thats it...I haven't had any for almost two days now. Well...it's too late for that now.

Then out of the corner of my eye I see her round the corner, but I close my eyes. I can't quite seem to get my breathing back under control, and now I have a pounding headache, and I feel so…so lightheaded. She kneels in front of me, and I open my eyes, but now suddenly the light feels like too much for my eyes to handle. So I close them…and I think to myself: what a wonderful day this has been.

"I'd do it, Emma, I'd jump."

"No you wouldn't, you wouldn't do that to me, Marcus."

His misty blue eyes meet mine. "I….I would if I thought, if I thought you didn't want me anymore. Like how dad says mom didn't want us anymore."

He then walked over and wrapped his arms around me. He'd never done this before, never clung to be like this since he was a baby.

He sniffs, blinking back tears. "He says she didn't want us, or this life anymore, Emma. So that's why I would jump…because if you were gone, I wouldn't want to live either."

He blinks one more time, but when looks up at me, tears are streaming down his face. "Don't leave me, Emma."

I held him close. "I wouldn't ever leave you, Marcus, not for the world."

It all fades away…and then a new image. He's climbing out onto the roof, and I'm just walking home. The sun's rays catch his hair, making it blaze orange. His soft, beautiful hair is now on fire. I don't think I can breathe. I reach out to him, like maybe then I'd be able to catch him, but he's too far away.

"Marcus, no. Marcus, you said you wouldn't jump. You promised, and I promised, why are you doing this?"

Nothing hurts more, nothing makes you just wish, wish someone wasn't born more than watching them fly through the air. Like an angel it was, he didn't really seem to fall but fly, so gracefully like he had wings. Then he hit the ground, like…like one of them had suddenly disappeared. It happened in slow motion, him flying, just like the kitten, and then when he hit the ground, when he did I didn't see. Because I looked away, I couldn't. I didn't want to see his wings break…I didn't want to see him ever stop flying, I didn't want to see it end…because then I knew, my one reason for living, for trying to get better would be at its end too.

It does end though, and then my dream turns orange, the color of his hair when it caught the sun's rays. My vision is on fire…only orange, that one solid color. For such a bright color it seems so sad, so dull, and I wish someone would just put it out of its misery. I wish someone would put me out of my misery.

When I wake I'm surprised. I don't feel hollow…or misery, or remorse. I feel…cold. No, more like liquidity, like I'm being washed over with water, or tears. I just don't feel solid.

I moan. The pain in my head still hasn't let up, but as I put my hand to my forehead I realize the liquidity feeling. There's a cold cloth on my forehead, dripping water. I can feel it running down my face, my neck, and down my back. And all around me the air is chilled. I slowly open my eyes, and I see the kitten. He's wrapped in a blanket at the edge of what seems to be a couch I'm lying on.

I look around, seeing that I'm up where the tall window is, at the top of the pyramid, and I watch the golden curtains dance in the breeze. On the right side of the room are dog beds, evenly spread out, and seem to be in small groups, organized by color. The beds come in four different colors, blue, black, red, and purple. The same colors are close to each other, but each has a different group sort of, all the small beds are together, and all the bigger ones are lined up in a row. Then on the left side of the room is many blankets sprawled out on the floor, scratching posts in both corners of the room, and about ten large baskets, with pillows stuffed inside. Cats and dogs…and here I am at the front of the room, the couch im lying on against a wall at the back of the room. Then in the other corner on the dog side is an arm chair, next to a table with a lamp, and a bucket full of water. The walls in the room are white but have paintings on them. Each painting seems to be random, and in one solid color, but different from each different color. There's an anime, a name with roses all around it, violets, orchards, cherry blossoms, polar bears, panda bears, kittens, dogs, pencils and paper, the sky, everything, all in different colors. At the very top of the wall in neat cursive it reads: _The Bed(s) Room, _then underneath are the words: _Our Wonderwall_.

When I turn, the other wall only has one large drawing, in between two doors; it's a portrait, colored with various different shades of colors, unlike the other drawings. It's a girl, smiling, tenderness in her eyes, and a boy, a lot taller than her, with dark eyes, golden curls that seem to look like their shimmering. The girl is sitting in his lap, her arms wrapped securely around his neck, her head resting on his shoulder; he has his arms around her, his lips pressed against her forehead, and his eyes seem to say: I love you.

I stare at the portrait for a moment, then at the doors. The doors are both white like the walls. I open the one to the right, and find that it's a bathroom. It doesn't have any drawings inside, mostly just pictures of animals, dogs, kittens, and fish. The most intriguing pictures though are the fish…their underwater and light is streaming through making them all gleam. Their amazing. The bathroom itself is narrow, but long, with a small bathtub, with a faucet that I guess counts as a shower, a toilet, and a sink. There's a black rug on the ground, and a towel hung up on a nail. I drink water using my hands, and then dry them with the towel.

I walk out and suddenly there are more cats in the room. One is lying curled up near the kitten wrapped in blankets, one in the arm chair in the corner, and two cats stand up from their beds and walk towards me. One rubs up against me, purring, and the other stares at me skeptically. Its nose twitches, sniffing the air, then it walks away, its tail flicking in a manner that seems to say that it disapproves of my presence.

"It's alright; I won't be staying here for long…as soon as I figure out how to get out of here…" I let my voice trail off.

I don't even have the first clue of where I am…dad just said we were going on a nice long car ride, that we were leaving this place. That I'd be finding myself in a new home by the end of the car ride…I didn't know he literally meant only me, only I would be finding a new home. I didn't even see the bags in the car…or ever knew he went into my room to pack the things. Did he even sell our house? Or was he waiting to do that after he abandoned me? We were going to lose the house soon anyways…Dad had stopped going to work, and hadn't paid anything since…since Marcus. I would come home and he'd be sitting in the same position, in the same chair, as he had been when I left for school. And I'd look at his stretched skin, tired, bloodshot eyes, and how the clothes to seem to look too big for him...cause he wouldnt eat anymore either. Sometimes I would skip my last two classes to come home and take care of him. That's all I've ever wanted to do…but he never let me close. He didn't even let me be arm's length of him…I know he didn't want me near him, but I never knew he wouldn't want me in his life at all. I sit on the ground, feeling exhausted again.

"Yeah…definitely won't be staying for long." I say, even though the disapproving cat had already left the room, out the window and onto the roof below.

When I finally get up, I open the other door and find it's a long hallway. There's no windows, no drawings on the wall, but the walls are sky blue, and have clouds, but then as you look up it differs into night, stars twinkling. What is this place, with all its weird walls and windows, and beds, and animals? There are no other doors until I near the end of the hallway, where it turns only one way. Here at this corner the walls change, and now instead of it being a sky it's a field, similar to the one I woke up in. It's not sunset though, its early morning I think, because of the color the sky, and at the middle of the hallway suddenly the wall just turns white. There are no drawings. I look ahead, and there are stairs, their also white. But it doesn't look painted, it honestly only truly looks like white wood, glossy and cold to the touch. I quickly walk down the stairs, until I hear someone else coming up. I freeze, unsure of what to do. I'm not even aware of other people living in this house besides the girl. Actually I don't even know if the girl lives in this house…

I freeze, but as the steps get closer I see her. Her hairs up now, so that I can see her face. She's extremely tan, but her skin tone isn't dark enough to actually say she's black…but it definitely looks natural, the color a heavily creamed coffee. She has big dark, but warm, brown eyes, and lips a dark shade of pink, like the darkest shade of pink on a peach. She looks only to be about maybe two or three years older than me, like she's eighteen or nineteen. She has a look of innocence in her eyes, but intelligence and wisdom as well. She looks up at me, surprised. She has a tray in her hands, and two bowls, unfortunately they look like dog bowls, but in one is soup, and in the other seems to be salad. I can smell the soup from here…warm, creamy. I hear my stomach grumble, and concern flashes in her eyes. She gives me a sad smile.

"You shouldn't be out of bed, Emma."

I shudder, taking a step back, putting one foot on the step behind me. I don't know why…but I feel alarmed, like running. I could possibly close the door and jump out the window onto the roof below, and somehow get to the ground…and run. I don't know where…but away from here. Then something occured to me: she said my name.

She seems to see the question in my eyes, and gives me another sad, but tender smile.

"I'll explain, just go back into the room, please."

She comes up two more steps, and I'm forced to walk up two more as well.

"I know this is all confusing, but just trust me, alright?" She seems to be sincere. "Besides, wouldn't you like to at least know where you are?"

I do have no choice…and that would be helpful, knowing where I am. I nod, turning around and walking back through the hallway.

When I get inside, I sit back on the couch, waiting for her to say something. She places the tray next to me, and again my stomach rumbles.

"Eat first…I'll explain while you eat." She pushes the tray closer to me. "Go on…if you don't eat it the cats will."

I grab the bowl, holding up the spoon, and begin wolfing it down. I hadn't realized how hungry I truly was till now…The soup is amazing, best food I've had in months. When dad wouldn't cook, and he hadn't ever taught me to…so we basically lived off of takeout food. I had to get a job to pay for it all, because he wouldn't go out of the house anymore. I preferred when he didn't, because if he was out that meant he would come back home drunk, and I'd find him in the morning, sprawled out on the floor. And he'd just look at me…his eyes bloodshot and they would say: save me. And every time I'd look at him…and wish I could help him, but I couldn't, he wouldn't let me. Every time he looked at me like that he seemed to look more and more far away, and soon he didn't give me that look at all. Eventually all they said to be was: it's too late…I'm done. And as it turns out he was done, with me, with everything. And now here I am, but with no one left to save me, no one here to save me. Now it's only a matter of time before I give up too, only a matter of time before I'm done for.

Somebody please save me.


End file.
